ROLE OF WIVES in Covenant Marriages What is a successful wife? A typical answer would be: "Shecommands the respect of a faithful and successful husband, is the mother of twolovely children, manages her home well and is still able to maintain asuccessful career with a substantial salary, as well as an active social lifewith her friends." Many a woman of the world will dream about being such awoman. Indeed, the world will regard such a woman as a super-woman, a kind ofmodel to attain unto, since few in reality will achieve this ‘ideal’. But the question that should interest us, as Christians, is notwhat the world perceives to be a successful wife. What we are interested in iswhat the Bible portrays to be the successful wife. In other words, we are interestedto know what is a successful wife in the eyes of our Lord. Naturally, since marriage is instituted by God, the successfulwife would be one who is conformed to the pattern of a godly wife laid down inthe Word of God. Or to put it in another way: a successful wife must be one whocarries out her role as a covenant wife as laid down in the Scriptures. How isthis role to be carried out? What distinguishes her from all other wives? If you search the Scriptures, you will find that there areprimarily two factors by which a wife will be judged as being successful orbeing a failure. Whatever else a wife may do, only these two criteria countwhen she, as it were, receives her performance appraisal from the Lord for hercalling as a wife. And I would suggest to you,—not without scripturalauthority,—that if you are married, it is these two factors which will figuremost prominently when you are called to give an account of your life, namely:(1) your submission to your husband, and (2) your support of your husband. Submit to Your Husband Firstly, wives are called to submit to their husband. Paul says inour text: "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto theLord" (Eph 5:22). Let us consider the nature and extent of this submission, and thensome practical admonishments in the practice of submission. Nature of wifely Submission The word ‘submit’ (upotassw, hupotassô)simply means place-under or stand-under. It is translated literally as"put under" in Ephesians 1:22, "And hath put all things under his feet, and gave him to be the headover all things to the church" (Eph 1:22). But in the context of marriageit has the idea of submission and obedience. In 1 Peter 3:1, the word is rendered "to be insubjection": "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your ownhusbands." Similarly in Titus 2:5, it is "to be obedient":"To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their ownhusbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed." Wives, in other words are called to submit, to obey or to be insubjection to their husband. It is God’s design for the family that the husbandis the head of the house, and the wife is to be second in command. Biblical rather than cultural Yes, wifely submission is a biblical injunction, which is basedupon God’s purposeful design for marriage. It is not merely a matter ofsocietal or cultural norm. The reason why most societies and cultures expectwives to submit is because marriage as a divine institution is etched in themoral makeup of man, so that man by nature knows what is the right order ofthings. Sin has darkened our hearts and minds, and men and women haveconstantly sought to rebel against this God-ordained order. Indeed the more‘advance’ a society becomes, the more this ancient order is ridiculed as beingan antiquated cultural idea. But far from being so, it is really a manifestation of God’swisdom in His design of the marriage institution. As such, wives are underdivine obligation to submit to their husbands, the rebellious challenge ofsinful man not withstanding. In fact, the apostle Paul writing under divine inspirationdemonstrates his sensitivity to the reality that many will question the basisof this instruction—Iis it really of man or is it of God? Notice how in the twooccasions, when he commands, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your ownhusbands," he adds a clause to assert the divine basis of his instruction.In Ephesians 5:22, he adds "…as unto the Lord." In Colossians 3:18,he adds, "…as it is fit in the Lord." Whatever the differences between the two clauses may be, one thingis clear: if you are a Christian wife, it is not optional for you to submit ornot to submit. It is mandatory. A failure to submit to your husband is not justa sin against your husband, it is rebellion against Christ. It is such aserious crime in the sight of God that Paul says that the word of God will beblasphemed by your behaviour if you are not a submissive and obedient wife (Tit2:5). Let all wives and wives-to-be bear this to mind. You are to submit toyour husband as unto the Lord. The husband stands as Christ’s representative Within the marriage context, the husband stands as Christ’srepresentative. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 11:3, "But I would have youknow, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is theman; and the head of Christ is God." Just as Christ stands as our covenantrepresentative before God, the husband stands as the covenant representative inthe covenant family. He will be primarily accountable to God for the well-beingof his family. He is the leader and head of the home. And his wife must standunder his banner of love and authority. Functional rather than absolute submission But make no mistake. This does not mean that the husband can liveas a tyrant in the home. No, let us realise that the call to wives to besubmissive does not mean that husbands therefore have absolute authority. Sometimes, indeed, the word upotvssw (hupotassô)is used to describe our submission to one who is intrinsically greater,superior and intrinsically deserving of our obedience. James says, "Submit yourselves therefore to God"(James 4:7a). However, the word itself does not necessarily speak ofsuperiority and subordination. And it is clear from the testimony of Scripture,that when wives are commanded to submit to their husbands, that no notion of superiority in the husbandis intended. In other words, unlike what is taught in some religion andcultures, a bride does not become a slave and a groom does not become a masterafter the wedding night. Let me prove this from two angles: Firstly, Paul says in 1 Corinthians 11:3, "But I would have youknow, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is theman; and the head of Christ is God." Our over-zealously authoritativehusband says: "There you have it: the head of man is Christ; and the headof the woman is the man. Just as Christ is superior to man, the husband issuperior to the wife!" But this argument falls flat when we consider that if that be thecase, then wives must worship their husbands as the man must worship Christ.Paul is rather speaking about economic or functional order. Though Christ isequal in power and glory with the Father, He subjects Himself to the headshipof the Father. Secondly, Paul under inspiration, very carefully makes it clear thathusbands do not have absolute authority over their wives. Look at the versejust before Ephesians 5:22 where we have the command for wives to submit totheir husbands. What do you have there? "Submitting yourselves one toanother in the fear of God" (Eph 5:21). In other words, in a certainsense, husbands have to submit to their wives. For example, Paul says in 1Corinthians 7:4, "The wife hath not power of her own body, but thehusband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but thewife." The word ‘submit’ (upotassw),when referring to the husband and wife relationship, therefore, speaks of afunctional order of authority and obedience under a covenant relationship,rather than absolute superiority and subordination. Let me put it this way: a wife are not require to be in subjectionto her husband in the same way as slaves are called to be in subjection totheir masters (e.g. Tit 2:9). Nevertheless, the wife must submit to her husbandas her duty to God. She must never give in to the temptation to submit only ifher husband earns her submission by his love. But the husband must know thatthough his wife should submit to him according to the Word of God, hersubmission is her duty to God. The husband has no right to demand submissionfrom his wife. The husband ought to earn his wife’s submission by loving her.He does not own her. Extent of Wifely Submission Are there some specific areas where wives should submit to theirhusbands? Paul says under divine inspiration: "Therefore as the church issubject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing" (Eph 5:24;emphasis mine). I would remind you that this is the Word of God. But what does everything mean? Well, everything means everysingle thing! The wife is to submit to her husband in every aspect of her life. But how may the wife submit in everything? She is to submit bothpassively and actively, or if you like, reactively and proactively. Most of ususually think of submission passively. We often fail to realise that submissioncan also be active. Indeed, both aspect of submission is taught in theScriptures. Passive or Reactive Submission. To submit to your husband in everything reactively or passivelymeans that you should listen and obey your husband’s instruct and submit to hisopinion in every decision you have to make in your life after you are married. Did you husband urge you to read a particular book? Have youstarted reading? Did your husband admonish you on the manner in which youtreated your children? Did you listen to him and correct yourself. Did yourhusband call for family worship? Have you submitted and arranged everything inthe home to make it possible? You say, "I know I am to submit in everything, but aren’t thereany exception? Isn’t there a limit to my submission?" Yes, indeed there is. There is indeed a clear boundary wherein youare to submit. It is the same boundary of submission to men under authoritythat applicable under all circumstances. This boundary is exemplified in Acts 4where John and Peter were asked by the highest ruling body of the Jewishreligious order, the Sanhedrin not to speak or teach in the name of Jesus. Acts4:19 reads, "But Peter and John answered and said unto them, Whether it beright in the sight of God to hearken unto you more than unto God, judgeye." In other words, where there is a conflict between the instruction ofGod and the instruction of man, then the instruction of God must prevail. Did your husband ask you to do something contrary to the Word ofGod or something detrimental to your faith in Christ? It is your duty todisobey. Did he say, go for an abortion. It is your duty to disobey. Did hesay, let us go shopping instead of going to worship on the sabbath day? It is yourduty to disobey. Are there any other qualifications? No. "What if I do notlike my husband’s suggestion?" You should still submit. "What if inmy opinion, my husband’s decision is not quite sound financially?" You canadvise him gently or urgently. "What if he persist?" You should stillsubmit. He will have to bear the responsibility for not listening to a wisewife that the Lord has given him to help him make his decisions. Bear in mind that there is a difference between opinion andconviction. An opinion is not objectively founded on the Word of God. Aconviction is firmly rooted in the Word of God. You are to stand by yourconviction, come what may. But you must as a principle give in when it comes toyour personal opinion. When Paul says "Wives, submit yourselves unto yourown husbands," he uses the Greek present tense for the command to submit.This means that you are to submit constantly and consistently,—so long as yoursubmission to your husband does not cause you to disobey God. Let me illustrate: Suppose you have a well-paying job but yourhusband wants you to quit your job, to stay at home to be a homemaker. You feelthat it is such a waste for you to leave your job. And you are not convincedthat you should stay at home to be a homemaker. What do you do? Well, unlessyou can show convincing proofs from the Scripture that you should not stay athome to be a homemaker, you should submit to your husband and quit your job. Aslong as you cannot give a Scriptural reason why you are not convinced you shouldstay at home, then it is your personal opinion rather than your conviction. Donot confuse the two. You say, "But my husband cannot show from Scripturetoo that I must stay at home." Well, in that case, it is his opinion andnot his conviction that you should stay at home. But that should not make adifference for you! He is the head of the house. He is accountable for you too.Whether it is his opinion or his conviction you should submit as long as you donot have a biblical objection or a contrary conviction. But now suppose your husband tells you to lead in family worshipinstead of him because you know the Bible better than he does. You areconvinced that the Scripture requires that the head of the household lead inworship lead in worship, not you. It is a conviction, not an opinion. What doyou do? Well, then you should object and refuse, and try to persuade yourhusband to lead instead. Active or Proactive Submission Unlike passive submission, to be actively submitted to the husbandto be submissive to him at all time even when he has not made a decision thatrequires submission. Active submission is about your attitude and the actionsthat flows from your attitude. Submission, after all, is act of the will that flows from a heartof love, gratitude and genuine respect for your husband. Paul says "Let…the wife see that she reverence her husband" (Eph 5:33). The word‘reverence’ translates a Greek word meaning ‘fear’ or ‘respect.’ In the sameway, Peter speaks about Sarah calling Abraham, her husband as lord (1 Pet 3:6).This shows the degree of submissiveness that is expected of Christian wives.Such kind of submissiveness will manifest itself in many ways in the Christianmarriage. Let me highlight just three ways in which submissive may be manifested. Firstly, submissiveness involves your not contradicting nor embarrassingyour husband, especially in public or in front of the children. A submissivewife will resist all temptations to speak impatiently to her husband, not tomention raise her voice at him or shout or scold her husband. She desists frommaking unkind or rude remarks about him, especially in public. Secondly, submissiveness involves your always trying to win your husbandby your behaviour more than by your words. This is the principle given in"Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if anyobey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation ofthe wives" (1 Pet 3:1). This verse speaks of course of the wife who has anunbelieving husband. But the principle applies in all situations,—includingsituations where the husband is a believer but his behaviour is wanting.Nagging is not the best way to correct a husband when his behaviour is wanting:be it untidiness or unpunctuality. Solomon must have been speaking fromexperience when he said: "A continual dropping in a very rainy day and acontentious woman are alike" (Prov 27:15). Nagging, often leads toquarrels, but godly example never fails to bear positive fruits. Thirdly, submissiveness involves consulting with your husband for allyour major decisions. Are you undecided whether to take some night classes? Askyour husband, and submit to his decision. Submissiveness involves not makingany major decision that concerns your family by yourself. It involves givingsuggestions to your husband and leaving him to make the decisions. A submissivewife is not one who is always silent, and not contributing to the leadership ofthe family. She is not one who has no opinion. Rather she is one who speakswisdom. "She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the lawof kindness" (Prov 31:26). But a submissive wife is one who knows how andwhen to make use the wisdom that God has given her. Encouragement to Wifely Submission You ask: "What if I don’t feel like submitting? What if Ifind it extremely hard to submit? What if it is just not in my nature tosubmit? What if I have lost all respect for my husband after the way treats meall these years?" My dear sisters, I think I understand. But the Word of Godmandates wifely submission as being necessary for secure, happy, marriages. Andthe Lord lays no condition. Ask the Lord to help you to submit. As Christsubmitted to the authorities and was led as a lamb to the slaughter for yoursake, so learn to submit to your husband for the sake of Christ your Saviour. Ameek and quiet spirit is in the sight of God of great price (1 Peter 3:4).Christ tells the church, "If you love me, keep my commandments." Thechurch, the bride of Christ demonstrate her love to Christ by obedience. In thesame way, you are called to demonstrate your love to your husband by submissionand obedience. This is why all the biblically based vows for brides on theirwedding include the word "obey." The Anglican church vow which many wives in our midst would haveused read: "I, N, do take thee, N., to my wedded husband, to love, cherishand obey, for better or for worst, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and inhealth, till death us do part." The vow given in the Westminster Directory of Public Worship read:"I, N. do take thee, N. to my married husband, and I do, in the presenceof God, and before this congregation, promise and covenant to be a loving,faithful, and obedient wife unto thee, until God shall separate us by death." Today, because of the feminist movement and equal rights movement,more and more churches are deleting the word obey from the wife’s vow. I thinkthis is sad, for it demonstrate a departure from the word of God, and ratherthan giving freedom, leaves the wife exposed to the false notion that she isfree not to submit to her husband since she never made the vow. But the factis, whether it is said in the vow or not, it makes no difference. You are tosubmit to your husbands. A failure to do so is a failure to submit to Christ,which by any other name, is sin and rebellion against God, and bondage toSatan. Support Your Husband We have seen the duty of wives to submit to their husbands. Now,secondly, we must example the wives’ duty to support their husbands. In the Genesis account of the creation of Eve we read: "Andthe LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make himan help meet for him" (Gen 2:18). Notice that Eve is designated anhelp-meet, not help-maid for Adam. The Hebrew can also be rendered "a helper suitable forhim." The word translated "help" (rz²[e, ezer) occurs 21 times invarious forms in the Hebrew Old Testament. It is never used to describeservants or slaves. There is a word to describe that in Hebrew (db,[,;, abed), but it is not the wordhere. In fact, the word translated ‘help’ here is always used to describe thehelper of someone who is either practically helpless. Thus, Eve was not created simply to serve Adam so that Adam canenjoy his life with ease. No, Eve was created for Adam because he was notcomplete without her. Adam needed help to carry out his vocation on the earth;and Eve was specially created to provide for that purpose. What are some practical ways in which a Christian wife mustsupport her husband? Let me briefly suggest three: Making a Home The apostle Paul tells us that one of the most important role ofwives is to be "keepers at home" (Tit 2:5). The Greek for"Keepers at home" is only one word, which may also be rendered"home-maker" or "home-worker." Remember that it is one ofyour responsibilities to make your home as comfortable a retreat as possiblefor your husband and your family. This does not mean that you must make surethat the house is spick and span. Your husband needs a place to retreat after adays’ work, he does not need a display showcase. When you take upon yourself the responsibility of the domesticchores in your family, you would essentially be freeing up your husband’s timefor his primary responsibilities—the spiritual instruction of his family, andthe ministry of service in the local assembly. A virtuous Christian wife is one whom her husband can depend on totake care of the affairs of the home. "Who can find a virtuous woman? forher price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust inher, so that he shall have no need of spoil" (Prov 31:10-11). She commandsthe respect of her husband and children by the way she manages the familyaffairs: "Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also,and he praiseth her" (Prov 31:28). Martin Luther writes from experience in his Tabletalk when hesaid: The greatest blessing that God can confer on a man is thepossession of a good and pious wife with whom he can confide his wholepossessions, even his life and welfare… Building Respect to Her Husband The second way in which a covenant wife can support her husband isto build loyalty and respect to him in the children. This involves yourpersistently and noticeably submitting to your husband’s decision. It involvesyour supporting your husband’s decisions when they are made. It involves yourshowing confidence in what decisions he has made even if you may not fullyagree with it. It involves your directing the children to their father formajor decisions. It involves withdrawing your decision if it comes to yourknowledge that your husband has already decided or when your husband makesanother decision. Supporting Her Husband’s Effort to As head of household, the husband is responsible for the familyspiritual’s well-being. But how successful he is in cultivating family religionwill very much depend on the co-operation of his wife. For example, in a familythat has not begun to have family worship on a regular basis, it would be veryhard for the husband to begin to initiate anything without his wife’s activeinterest. Wives, your husband can be extremely frustrated if he tries tocall the family to worship but you show disinterest. You must support your husbandif your family is going to worship God together. You must show the greatestinterest. Whenever possible, when your husband calls for worship, you shoulddrop all you are doing and gather the children together. Your actions relativeto family worship time will go a long way to impress on the minds of yourchildren in regard to the importance of the hour. Conclusion Wives, have you been submissive and supportive? Make it the aim ofyour life to encourage and support your husband. Do you realise that the virtuouswife of Proverbs 31 is probably not a very beautiful woman? Otherwise, whywould the author add towards the end of the catalogue of virtue this littleverse: "Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareththe LORD, she shall be praised" (Prov 31:30). Yes, beauty according to theScripture is far more than skin deep. This idea is so important that both theapostle Paul and the apostle Peter spoke about it. Paul tells us that he would have …women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness[modesty] and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costlyarray; 10 But (which becometh women professinggodliness) with good works. 11 Let the woman learn in silence withall subjection" (1 Tim 2:9-11). Similarly Peter says, "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands;that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by theconversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chasteconversation coupled with fear. 3 Whose adorning let it not be thatoutward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting onof apparel; 4 But let it be the hidden man of theheart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quietspirit, which is in the sight of God of great price" (1 Pet 3:1-4). Husbands, are you wrecking your marriage by refusing to performyour role—sinning against God, and encouraging your wife to usurp yourleadership in the home? Remember that you will be held accountable not only foryourself but for how you have managed your family. Are you failing to love yourwife in the way that you should and so causing her to be unhappy andunsubmissive? Or are you unto her as Christ is to the Church, so that she isencouraged to be unto you as the Church is unto Christ? —JJ Lim [Thisarticle is based on a sermon preached by the writer on 8 October 2000, and hasbeen distributed to those who attended the Marriage and Courtship preparationclasses in PCC. We are printing it (together with its compendium on the Role ofHusbands) upon a request to give it a wider circulation. We trust that it will,together with its compendium, provide a practical complement to the 6challenging and well-appreciated articles on the husband and wife by PastorJeff O’Neil]
|
    |