FORGIVE AND FORGET?

Almost 20 years ago, a severe quarrel broke out between my younger brother andme. We had quarrelled quite frequently before that time, but usually, they wereover in a short while. But that time, it got worst and worst, until it became afistfight. We had recently became Christians, and we could not understand whatwas happening. When we finally separated and went into a separate corner of thehouse, I felt a deep grief in my heart; I knew I had sinned against the Lord,and what was more, it was Christmas day (which I had held superstitiously to bea holy day). Of course, I thought that it was my brother’s fault that wequarrelled in the first place, but that did not matter any more. If Christ didnot forgive me for my sins against Him, I would still be heading for eternaldamnation.

No more than an hour passed, when for the first time in my life, I walked up tomy brother and apologised for fighting with him. It did not matter whose faultit was, I knew I was wrong to behave the way I did. My brother was too stunnedto respond, but he agreed to pray together with me. He was two years youngerthan me, and younger as a Christian by a few months. Although he did not sayanything, I knew that he did forgive me, and what inward peace I felt in mysoul! It did not matter that I had to swallow my pride, it felt good to bereconciled. That was the last time we ever quarrelled, not to mention fight!

What we experienced that evening in 1982 was the feeling of forgiveness and theconsequent forgetting. Although we were still not fully taught on the Bible, wehad already experienced the necessity and power of forgiveness for healing abroken relationship. You may say we were taught of the Holy Spirit so that weknew intuitively what to do. But what we knew intuitively is actually taught inclear by our Lord.

Immediately, after the events at the Mount of Transfiguration, our Lordreturned with His disciples to Capernaum (Mt 17:24), and soon began to teachthem. One of the things that He taught them was how a Christian ought torespond to a brother who sins against him (Mt 18:15–20). He gives four steps,which are still applicable to us: (1) Bring it up to him alone (v. 15). (2) Ifhe does not repent, bring along one or two witnesses (v. 16). (3) If he doesnot repent still, tell it to the church, which would mean telling to the eldersfor church discipline (v. 17a). (4) If he still refuses to repent, then thechurch should ex-communicate him (vv. 17b–18).

As He spoke, the disciples must have pondered in their hearts: Did not the Lordearlier teach us to pray, “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors”(Mt 6:12)? Did He not explain, “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, yourheavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men theirtrespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Mt 6:14–15)? Butnow He seems to be saying something else: if someone sins against you, you mustconfront the person. Perhaps, some pressing questions began to burn in theminds of the disciples: What is the relationship between forgiving the personand confronting him? If we are to forgive, why do we need to confront? And ifwe confront, what if the person is unrepentant? And if he says he is repentant,but he commits the same sin again, what do we do? After all, there are many whoclaim to repent but do not really repent. How many times should we forgive?

So many questions, which to ask? Peter chose the simplest. When the Lord Jesusstopped speaking, he immediately came to Him and asked, “Lord, how oft shall mybrother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?” (v. 21). Perhapshe expected the Lord to answer, “It doesn’t mean that I teach you to forgive,that must you just keep forgiving and be taken advantage of.” Instead, the Lordanswered, “I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy timesseven” (Mt 18:22). This, of course, does not mean that we are to forgive just490 times, but that we are to forgive as much and as many times as necessary.

Then perhaps sensing the questions that might be in Peter’s mind, our Lord toldthe disciples a parable that would answer some of their perplexities.

A certain king called all his servants together to reckon with them. One ofthem owed him 10,000 talents (1 talent is believed to be 6,000 denarii; 1denarius was a day’s wage for a vineyard worker. 10,000 talents = 60 milliondenarii; if you earn $20 a day, that’s $1.2 billion). That’s practicallyimpossible for the servant to pay, and so the king ordered that he and his familybe sold as slaves (v. 25). The servant pleaded with him, and promised to payback (v. 26). It was quite obviously impossible for him to pay back, but theking was moved with compassion and forgave him, and cancelled his debts (v.27). But the servant went out and found a fellow servant who owed him 100denarii (v. 28). That second servant pleaded like the first did, but he wasshown no clemency. Instead he was sent to prison until he should pay (vv.29–30). This matter was reported to the king (v. 31), who was greatlyinfuriated by his servant’s lack of gratitude, and so sent him to thetormentors.

Our Lord concludes by saying: “So likewise shall my heavenly Father do alsounto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother theirtrespasses” (Mt 18:35).

We may learn three things from this parable: Firstly, we learn why weshould forgive; secondly, when we should forgive; andthirdly, how we should forgive.

Why Should we Forgive?

The primary lesson point is obvious: Every believer must learn to forgivebecause we have received forgiveness from God. And our forgiveness is not justfor a small crime, but for rebellion against the King of kings, the Lord oflords. And our forgiveness was bought with an infinite price, the blood ofChrist; and we deserve nothing at all. If we have been so forgiven, should wenot be ever willing to forgive? Indeed, a bitter, unforgiving spirit is a suremark of an unregenerate heart. This is why the Lord admonishes us: “For if yeforgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: Butif ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive yourtrespasses” (Mt 6:14–15; cf. Mt 18:35).

When Should we Forgive?

Notice that in this parable, the king did not simply cancel the debt but hecalled up his servant to reckon with him. In a sense he lets his servant knowhow much he owes him, and lets him know what he deserves. That is consistentwith what our Lord just taught concerning a brother who sins against us.

When a brother-in-Christ wrongs us, we should not just quietly keep silentabout it and say we forgive him, especially when what is done is clearly asinful act. Rather it is our duty to confront the brother to let him know thathe has sinned. When he repents of his sin, and you forgive him, how sweet thatforgiveness and reconciliation will be!

Indeed, whenever we are aware that there is any tension between ourselves and abrother-in-Christ, we ought always to take as much initiative as possible toseek reconciliation. Our Lord says, “Therefore if thou bring thy gift to thealtar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leavethere thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thybrother, and then come and offer thy gift” (Mt 5:23–24). When you havesomething against your brother you ought to do the same according to theprinciple of Matthew 18:15–17. This is especially so in the context of thelocal church.

But, two questions come to mind: (1) Should we not forgive unconditionally? (2)Christ’s instruction involves conflict between brethren, what about the casewhere the aggrieved party is a Christian whereas the guilty party is anunbeliever?

Should not Forgiveness be Unconditional?

To the first question, my answer is “yes” and “no.” Why?Because forgiveness has three aspects: (1) An attitudinal aspect,by which we must not hold any grudge or a vindictive spirit against anyone, andmust be very ready to forgive and to pray for a person even where he has notexpressed repentance; (2) areconciliatory aspect of personalpardon, by which we may receive into favour and fellowship such as expressesrepentance; and (3) a judicial aspect of full forgiveness,where sin is overlooked and justice is covered in mercy.

Let me illustrate what I mean. Imagine yourself to be the mother of a young boywho was knocked down by a car while he was crossing at the traffic light infront of the church. Now, it may be very hard, but by God’s grace, you mustmaintain an attitude of forgiveness, so bear no grudge against the person whokilled your son by his reckless driving. This is what the Lord teaches us whenHe says, “And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any:that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses” (Mk11:25). We should never bear ill will against anyone, especially to believers.Bearing ill will against anyone is a breaking of the Sixth Commandment, “Thoushalt not kill.” Yes, it is most difficult to forgive (or to have a forgivingspirit towards) those who insist that they are right and who are unrepentant,but this is required and pleasing to the Lord. But note that when the Lordteaches us to forgive (unconditionally) as we pray, it is obvious that He isnot telling us to go to the person and tell him that we forgive himunconditionally. Every time the Scripture speaks of going to the offender, itis to seek repentance on his part rather than to offer an unconditionalforgiveness. This does not mean that it is always wrong to do so, but it meansfirstly that it is not our duty to do so, and secondly, that we must exercisecare not to give the wrong impression.

But suppose when you confront the errant driver, he refuses to acknowledge thatit was his fault, when it was clearly so since the pedestrian light had turnedgreen when your son crossed the road. And the police had confirmed that he wasdriving under the influence of alcohol. Can you tell the man who killed yourson that you forgive him? You may indeed do so if all you mean is that you bearno grudge against him; but remember that in such a case, for the offender, itwould at best make him less defensive and at worst pamper his conscience sothat he deludes himself as to the severity of the crime.

On the other hand, if the man is very repentant and when he is in prison, hewrites to ask you for forgiveness, then, however difficult it may be, you oughtto give him your forgiveness and tell him so. So our Lord tells us, “Take heedto yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and ifhe repent, forgive him” (Lk 17:3). Yes, if he repents, forgive him, andpursue the matter no more. But if he does not repent, you ought to pursuerepentance according to the guideline given by the Lord (i.e., Mt 18:15–17).

But bear in mind that though you express personal pardon, you do not have theprerogative to say, “let him go free.” No, justice must be met. This is thereason why Christ had to die for our sins, because the judicial element forforgiveness cannot simply be overlooked. It cannot be overlooked in the civilrealm, much less in the spiritual and divine realm. Sin, after all, is affrontagainst God (Ps 51:4). Technically sin is always against God. Someone can wrongus, and we can forgive him, but who are we to forgive his sins against God whenhe wrongs us? The Pharisees were right when they ask the rhetoric question:“Who can forgive sins but God only?” (Mk 2:7). And God’s forgiveness flowsthrough the blood of Christ.

It is for this reason too that we ought to be careful not to give anyimpression that there is forgiveness without repentance. And moreover, failingto warn against sin in the church is not only to be party to the sin, but toallow an Achan to defile the church. A wife whose husband is committingadultery ought not just to meekly accept her husband’s action. She may be avery noble woman, and willing immediately to forgive him emotionally, and bearno more ill will against him, but she is responsible to Christ and His churchtoo. So, she ought to confront him according to the principles laid down inMatthew 18, praying fervently, of course, that he would repent.

What About the Case of a GuiltyUnbeliever?

Now what if the person who does wrong against you is anunbeliever? Your colleague at work backstabbed you with something that istotally untrue. The robber came into your house and not only rob you but hurtyou badly.

In these cases, I believe, we may apply some of the principles taught by ourLord, although His instruction pertains primarily to trespasses betweenbrethren (Mt 18:15). I would suggest that when at all possible, we shouldconfront the person of the wrong done, especially if he does not know or doesnot acknowledge that he has done wrong. But beyond that we must learn toforgive as our Lord forgave when He prayed on the cross, “Father, forgive them;for they know not what they do” (Lk 23:34); or how Stephen prayed when he wasbeing stoned, “Lord, lay not this sin to their charge” (Acts 7:60). Yes, it isnot wrong to pray for forgiveness for those who wrong us, even though we knowthat unless there is genuine repentance and cleansing through the blood ofChrist, God will not forgive them. To forgive a wrong is our responsibility, toforgive a sin is God’s prerogative. Our praying for those who wrong us, even ifthey are unrepentant, is simply an expression of our love for the other person(Mt 5:44).

A story is told of how a British man in South Africa once caught a nativeAfrican crossing his field. He caught hold of the man and accused him of tryingto steal his horse. The African man explained that he was simply taking a shortcut to his house, but the British refused to believe. Instead he decided toteach the African people a lesson. He cut off the left hand of the man and hunghim on a tree. Several years later, the British was on the way home when he gotcaught in a storm. And since the large field was uncovered and it would bedangerous to cross it in the storm, he decided to find shelters in some of thehouses near the edge of his field. He entered into one, but no one was in, andsoon he fell asleep. When he awoke, a black man was standing over him. He wasinstantly fearing for his life, and when the man lifted up his left arm, theBritish noticed that his hand had been chopped off, and he was all the moreafraid. But the African man said, I was the man whom you hung on the tree, Iwas the man whom you maim for life. Now you are in my house and I have power tohurt you, and revenge is sweet. But I am a Christian, therefore, I forgive youfor what you did. What do you think the British felt when he heard those words?Though, it may not always be right, and indeed can be often wrong to proclaimforgiveness unconditionally the way that the African man did, his attitude offorgiveness is worthy of emulation.

How Should we Forgive?

Notice that in the parable, once the servant pleaded, the king forgave himimmediately (vv. 26–27). And it was a total forgiveness. His debt,—all 10,000talents,—was cancelled and he was not punished by imprisonment at all, but wasfree to go. Yes, that is what is meant by forgiving and forgetting. This manappeared repentant and the king forgave him, and forgot his debt. But wait,does forgetting mean that we must forget everything, and start afresh? Again Imust say “yes” and “no.”

Let me begin with “no.” No, if the repentance is not genuine, we must confronthim again. Notice that this was what the king did. Because his slave would notforgive his co-slave of 100 denarii, when he himself was forgiven of 60 milliondenarii, the king revoked his earlier forgiveness and threw his slave to thetormentors until he paid up his debt. But why did not the king, in the firstplace, check to make very sure that his servant was truly repentant? Well, thesimple reason is that we are not required to do so. Our Lord teaches this factclearly: “And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven timesin a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him” (Lk17:4). Yes, at the point of confrontation, we must accept the word of theperson who has wronged us. If he says he repent, you must forgive him, you mustnot suspect that he is not sincere. If after saying he repents, he commits thesame sin again, you must confront him again. If he again repents, you must forgivewithout considering how many times he had repented and went back on his word.This is hard, but we must always give others the benefit of the doubt.

But yes, we must forget if the repentance is genuine; we should never mentionit again. Such is the case when God forgives us. When He forgives us, it is onthe basis of Christ’s substitutionary death for us. We begin a new life withHim anew, He casts all our sins into the depth of the sea (Mic 7:19) and Heremoves our transgressions from us for “as far as the east is from the west”(Ps 103:12). Such must be our forgiveness to those who wrong us. And yes, aslong as the person does not sin against you again in the same manner, you mustassume that his repentance is genuine, and therefore forgive and forget.

But what does forgetting entails? It entails (1) not ruminating it—notdwelling about what happened and indulging in self-pity. If you keepcongratulating yourself that you’ve forgiven a person even though you werebadly hurt by him, then you had not really forgiven; (2) not raising itagain—if you forgive your wife for something she has done, it must never bebrought up again when you quarrel, or you have not forgiven. Moreover, “He thatcovereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matterseparateth very friends” (Prov 17:9); (3) not rumouring it—ifyou say you forgive someone you must not tell others of how you were hurt bythis person. Doing so would be like pulling off the bandage to show others howbadly you were cut. How could there be any healing then?

Conclusion

We’ve been looking thus far at forgiveness from a very technical point of view.I did so because I believe that there is quite a bit of confusion on thesubject today. But the most valuable thing, I believe, that might be achievedby this article is that if you have still not forgiven someone who have doneyou wrong, that you resolve now to do so at the soonest possible moment. Yousay, “Oh, I’ve forgiven, it is just that I cannot forget, I still feel thehurt, I’m human you know.” Well, beloved, perhaps you have not really forgiven.Are you upset about someone, and you did not confront that person? Do you knowyou have wronged someone, or suspect that someone has aught against you, andyou have not sought forgiveness and reconciliation? I would appeal to you, forthe Lord’s sake, to take the initiative for reconciliation rather than wait forthe other person to initiate.

—JJ Lim