ELEMENTARY INGREDIENTS FORGODLY MARRIAGES

Marriage is a divine institution and a creation ordinance. It wasinstituted by God immediately after He created Eve. In fact, Genesis 2:25teaches us that because God has created Eve, "a man [shall] leave his fatherand his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be oneflesh" (cf. v. 24). In other words, because God has created not just manbut woman, it is by God’s design for man and woman to be married. Thisargument, of course, makes sense only man is created in the image of God and isa moral creature. The fact that animals are created male and female does notimply that they should be married. But in the case of man, it must be so. Thisis the basis of the 7^th Commandment.

What does marriage involve? Amazingly, this simple verse whichspeaks of the institution of marriage, also provides us the answer. It teachesus that marriage involves three things: (1) a leaving from one’s parentalfamily; (2) a cleaving unto one another; (3) a sealing of two into one.

Leaving

What does it mean to leave father and mother? It certainly doesnot mean abandoning or utterly forsaking one’s parents. The Moral Law of Godrequires that we honour our fathers and mothers, and the Word of God has strongindictment against those who ill-treat or abandon their parents. The Lordcharge those who do so of "making the Word of God of none effect" (Mk7:13); and Paul regard anyone who would not provide for the needs of hisparents as having "denied the faith and is worst than an infidel."Neither does it mean that we must shift far away from our parents when we aremarried. Yes, it does entail setting up a separate covenant home which ispractically possible only if you are not living in your parent’s home. But justas it is possible for you to have left your father and mother though they areliving just across the street, it is also possible that you have not leftfather and mother though they live half-way round the world.

What does it mean to leave? It means (1) being no longer highlydependant on your parents for affection, approval, counsel and assistance; and(2) being now more concerned to gain each other’s affection, approval, counseland assistance. In other words, though you must still be a good son ordaughter, you must be even more concerned to be a good husband or wife. Or toput it practically, when it comes to the crux of choosing between pleasing yourparents or your spouse, you must choose to please your spouse; unless, ofcourse, pleasing your spouse in the particular instance would mean breaking theLaw of God. Otherwise, if you choose to please your parents though you aremarried, you have sinned against your spouse and against God by breaking hisdivine ordinance.

Beloved, if you are married or planning to get married, I hope youtake this seriously. So many family quarrels have resulted because of thisfailure to obey this divine commandment of God. Once you are married, you mustlearn to give priority to one another in all your decisions.

Cleaving

The second imperative of marriage is that husbands and wives mustcleave to one another. Although most couples who are married today will make avow with the clause "till death do us part." Very few take thatclause seriously. Rather, while they say "till death do us part,"they actually mean "till our problems be too great do us part."Christians who are well taught will unlikely part in divorce, but it ispossible to be apart while together, namely, to be apart spiritually andemotionally.

But what the Word of God requires is that husbands and wives areto cleave to one another. This means they are to cling on to one anotherpermanently until death by any one of the parties should separate them. Theprophet Malachi tells us that marriage is a covenant and anyone who divorceshis spouse is guilty of treachery against God (Mal 2:15). The Lord re-assertthis truth in Mark 10:7-9.

Marriage is a permanent commitment in the form of a covenant bondof love. However, I know from experience that even the best of marriages can gointo periods of strains because men and women are so differently constituted.There may even occasions when the strain is so great that newly marriedhusbands and wives wonder if they should have married in the first place, orthey begin to wonder if they have married the right person. Beloved, are youplanning to get married? Do be mentally and prayerfully prepared for thepossibility of such trials that you may not be tempted to sin against youspouse and against God when a storm begins to brew in your marriage. Rememberthat almost every marriage involves iron sharpening iron (Prov 27:17), andsparks will often fly in the process. Know however, that the rough iron willsoon be smoothen, and if you are careful to cultivate the fruit of the HolySpirit in your lives, then due time you will be able to laugh at one another’sflaws and seek to help one another to grow in grace rather than to find faultwith one another.

So, may I remind you, husbands to remain faithful and loving toyour wife even if you one day feel that she has become naggy and is not asbeautiful as she was when you first dated her. Bear in mind that it is God’scommand that you are to love your wife as Christ love His Church (Eph 5:25).Never excuse yourself by saying "I don’t feel the love I had for her anymore, so I can’t help not loving her." The biblical idea of love is morethan a feeling, or it cannot be commanded. Love is a verb! If you do not feelloving, love yet the more! Love in deed and in truth (1 Jn 3:18), and I assure you,that the feeling of love will return by and by.

And may I remind you, wives, to remain faithful and submissive toyour husband (Eph 5:22, Tit 2:5) even if you find him swamped by his career andchurch commitments so that he appears not to care about you as much as he didwhen he was courting you. Bear in mind that from your perceptive, submissionmust be gratuitous. It should not be earned or conditioned upon your husband’sdemonstration of love for you. Yes, you must learn to submit even if youbelieve you have a bad husband (Cf. 1 Pet 3:1). "A gracious wifesatisfieth a good husband, and silenceth a bad one" (George Swinnock).

But husbands, if you want your wives to submit to you, you mustearn it. You earn it by loving her unconditionally. Try it! I have never knownit to fail. Never, never demand to be submitted unto; or you will loose therespect of your wife.

Sealing (Union)

Thirdly, what does "and they shall be one flesh" mean?At the most elementary level, this refers to the marriage act of physical union.The author of Hebrews tells us, that "Marriage is honourable in all, andthe bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge" (Heb13:4). Physical union is so important in marriage that the apostle Paul tellsus in no uncertain terms that a husband and wife must engage in it frequently(1 Cor 7:3-5).

But becoming one flesh involves more than just the marriage act.The marriage act is in a sense a symbol of the unity that the husband and wifeis called unto because more than anything it demonstrate the responsibility ofthe wife to give of her whole self to the husband and the responsibility of thehusband to give of his whole self to his wife. "Marriage is a totalcommitment and a total sharing of the total person with another person until death"(Wayne Mack).

Are you married or planing to get married? Remember that once youare married, you become as it were one person with your beloved spouse. Youshould share everything: your bodies, your possession, your friends, yourideas, your problems, your joys, your sorrows, your pains; your success; andyour failures. You are to be more than just a team or a partnership. You areone. Practically, you should take the same name. Thus, the wife, should no moreuse her maiden surname. Practically, also, you should share the same bankaccount; and the phrase "this is my money" or "this is yourmoney" should never be heard in your marriage. Also, the husband is tocare for his wife as much, if not more than he cares for himself; and the wife,should care for her husband as much if not more than she care for herself.Husbands, you must be to your wife the most important person in her life, apartfrom God. Similarly, Wives, you must be the most important person to your wife.You should be more than best friends. You are one.

Being one in marriage, of course, does not mean that you becomeidentical. Being one may involve cultivating the same interest so as tostrengthen the marriage bond and to enjoy each other, but it does not mean thatyou must develop the same temperament or have the same liking for the same kindof food, etc.

No, I am not advocating the worldly wisdom that the wife shouldaccept the husband as he is; and the husband accept the wife as she is and notmake any attempt to change each other. I believe that there is room formoulding each other—especially when your spouse do not conform to the Word ofGod. What I am saying is that there is a room for differences in a marriage,and where these differences are not moral in nature, than you must learn todevelop the unity of the marriage bond within the context of these differences.But if you should see each others flaws when compared to the Word of God, thenyou must lovingly correct one another—knowing that you are both pilgrimsjourneying towards the celestial city.

Conclusion

Marriage is a divine institution of great importance. The familythat is built from marriage is a basic building block of the church, and is themeans by which God seeks "a godly seed" (Mal 2:15). Marriage alsoprovides a training school for the officers of the church (1 Tim 3:4, 11, 12).Above all, it also serves as a illustration of the union between Christ and Hisbride, the Church (Eph 5:32). It is no wonder that the Scripture is repletewith instructions and principles on how marriage ought to be regulated andenjoyed. God willing, we will have occasions to say much more, but for now, letus examine and mould our marriages against this most primitive model given byGod—of leaving, cleaving and sealing.