BIBLICALPRINCIPLES FOR COURTSHIP

Some years ago when mywife and I started going out together, my wife’s Bible Study leader in theparachurch group we were in gave her a book on dating. This book, written byBarry St. Clair and Bill Jones, has a very attractive title: Dating: Picking (and being)a Winner (Here’s LifePublishers, 1987). At that time, I did not think much about the book. But nowlooking back I am glad that my wife did not apply the principles taught in it,or I might not have married her!

Problems of Dating

This book advocates thecommon American practice of dating.It gives a ‘sanctified’ definition of dating as: “A growing friendship betweena guy and a girl which honours Jesus Christ as each person puts the other’sneed first” (p. 23). As the book progresses, however, it becomes quite clearthat the authors are simply trying to force-fit some biblical guidelines into aquestionable worldly practice which is at worst a sensual and meaninglessend-in-itself relationship experiment, and at best a rather selfishtrial-and-error spouse fishing method. Consider how the authors exaltnon-commitment in dating and deprecate commitments. According to them, thereare four levels of dating: “group dating,” “couple dating,” “consistent dating”and “commitment dating.”

“Couple dating” is defined thus: “… a guy and girl go out alone. It may be aone-time date, or they may date occasionally. However, neither one is committedonly to the other. If they date fairly often, they date other people as well.This is the healthiest stage of dating, because a person builds friendship withmany different people…” (p. 126).

“Commitment dating” is defined thus: “… the couple dates no one else becausethey have a commitment to date only each other. They may or may not have talkedabout their commitment. Either way, both understand that they will not pursue arelationship with another guy or girl” (p. 126).

One wonders how a commitment could be made without saying anything when allthis while the couple has been dating without any commitment to each other. Inany case the authors appear to dissuade commitment as they immediately list 4pluses and 8 minuses for commitment dating! The first of the pluses is: “You nolonger have to worry about getting a date”! One of the minuses is: “You arelimited in who you can date.… You are committed, so you no longer have thefreedom to go out with others. This can create problems if a holy hunk orspiritual fox arrives on the scene” (p. 128).

No, I do not think all dating is sinful. We will be hard pressed to prove thatdating is always sinful. But I do believe that the practice of casual dating isone of the causes of moral laxity in the American culture. I also believe thatdating without any marriage-focus goal does promote worldly principles ofself-centredness, which often results in very painful break-up between couples.

Alternative to Dating

If not dating, then whatare the alternatives? Since marriage is an ordinance of God, there must beacceptable activities that lead to it. The fact that Scripture does not dictateany one method suggests that it is a matter of Christian liberty. But, the twobiblical examples are: arranged marriages and courtship. The marriage betweenIsaac and Rebekah was partly arranged. In a certain sense, Jacob’s marriage toRachel was through courtship (though his marriage to Leah was throughtrickery!). Now, with the increasing complexity of the modern society, arrangedmarriages are all but extinct. Few parents are willing to arrange marriages fortheir children; and few children would be happy to be forced into marriage bytheir parents. The church, moreover, does not have any biblical warrant toarrange marriages. What is left for us is courtship.

I would define courtship,—in distinction to dating,—as activities between a manand a woman with the goal of marriage in view. In other words, it involves aman and a woman going out together as a couple with a stated or understood goalof marriage. Indeed, I do not think we can make a biblical case for a girl anda boy going out together alone on a date just for fun or for making friends.There are other ways to make friends.

God’s Will in Courtship

Someone may ask: But howdo you know it is God’s will for you to marry someone whom you have not had along time of consistent dating to get to know very well? If not, how could youenter into a relationship with a goal of marriage? My answer would be: how doyou know it is God’s will for you to marry someone you have got to know verywell by a long time of consistent dating? The point is, it is impossible foryou to know if it is God’s will for you to marry someone until you are actuallymarried to the person. I am, of course, referring to the secret or decretivewill of God, for what else would our inquirer have in mind?

In so far as the revealed will, or precepts of God, is concerned, “Marriage ought not to be within the degrees ofconsanguinity or affinity forbidden by the Word”(WCF 24.4; see Lev 18; 1 Cor 5:1), and “it theduty of Christians to marry only in the Lord” (WCF 24.3; see 1 Cor 7:39; cf. 2 Cor6:14–18). The Word of God teaches us: “The secret things belong unto the LORD our God: but those things which arerevealed belong unto us and to our children for ever, that we may do all thewords of this law” (Deut 29:29). In other words, we must never seek to knowGod’s secret will, nor make our decisions based on His secret will. This beingthe case, if you are single and the person you are courting is a singlebeliever who is not too closely related to you, you may know that it is notagainst God’s (preceptive) will for you to marry him or her.

Of course, “in the Lord” can and ought be more narrowly defined as in ourConfession, so that “such as profess the true reformed religion should notmarry with infidels, papists, or other idolaters:… [nor] such as arenotoriously wicked in their life, or maintain damnable heresies” (WCF 24.3). Prudence would also dictatesome other qualities to look for, such as godly Christian character with a fearof God and a desire to conform to the Word of God. Personal preferences andattraction may also influence our choices. In a letter to William Farel, JohnCalvin explained what he was looking for in a wife:

I am none of those insane lovers whoembrace even vices, once they have been overcome by a fine figure. The onlybeauty that attracts me is this: if she is modest, accommodating, not haughty,frugal, patient, and there is hope she will be concerned about my health.

Now, it is also not wrong to be attracted by external appearance, providedreason is not clouded by it. Again, Calvin has some refreshing remarks:

… we see how naturally a secret kind ofaffection produces mutual love. Only excess is to be guarded against, and somuch the more diligently, because it is difficult so to restrain affections ofthis kind, that they do not prevail to the stifling of reason. Therefore he whoshall be induced to choose a wife, because of the elegance of her form, willnot necessarily sin, provided reason always maintains the ascendancy, and holdsthe wantonness of passion in subjection (Calvin’s Comm. on Genesis 29:18).

In any case, it is clear that dating is not going to help you to determine ifit is the will of God to marry a particular person. Instead, dating is based onthe unbiblical and irresponsible notion that compatibility and ‘chemistry’ areparamount, and that the vanishing of the “cloud nine feeling” is sufficientground to break up even a steady relationship of many years.

What is the will of God concerning courtship? I believe it is simply this: “Letyour yea be yea; and your nay, nay” (Jas 5:12; cf. Mt 5:37). In other words, itshould be based on commitment towards marriage right from the onset. Yes, itmust be entered with the understanding that there could be good reasons eventuallyto call off the relationship; but the reasons must be biblical. Lost of the“cloud nine feeling,” the appearance of a “holy hunk or spiritual fox,” or evenquarrel are certainly not right reasons. Possible biblical reasons forinitiating a break-up include: (1) if you discover your date to have a loosemorality which is tending towards fornication before marriage is possible; (2)if you find it increasingly difficult to resist temptation and marriage isdefinitely not possible in the near future; (3) desertion by your date; (4) ifyou discover your date to be insincere with regards to your commitment to eachother; (5) if your parents object to your relationship, especially in the casewhere a rational or biblical reason is forwarded; (6) if you discover that yourdate is not a true believer, such as when he or she comes from a church whichis lax in discipline, and also demonstrates clear signs of unregeneracy; (7) ifyou find your commitment to Christ adversely affected by your relationship.

When to Begin Courtship?

Very few Singaporeansactually practise casual dating in the way of the American culture. Our societyis still quite conservative in this sense. However, it is an observable factthat many young Singaporeans enter into some form of committed relationship atages 12 or 13. This, however, is not courtship. It is more like a prematureform of consistent or committed dating simply because marriage can hardly be onthe agenda in such relationships.

So, when would be a right age to begin courtship? I believe that given themarriage-goal of courtship there are two factors which should determine when isa right time to begin: (1) maturity of the persons as determined by whetherthey can make independent and responsible decisions; and (2) when marriage is apossibility in the not too distant future, say within 5 years. In other words,I do not believe that teenagers should enter courtship or dating relationships.I do not have dogmatic reasons to buttress my suggestion, but that there isreally no biblical grounds for two young persons to be romantically linkedunless marriage is in view. Moreover, various statistical studies haveindicated that the earlier a young person starts dating, the more likely he orshe will commit fornication (seeClair and Jones, Dating, 27). Experiencein the local context, moreover, shows that most relationships that begin priorto the completion of National Service (for men, 18 to 20 years old) end up inpainful break-ups.

How to Begin Courtship?

Since the husband is tobe the leader in the family (Eph 5:23) and the wife ought to have a “meek andquiet spirit” (1 Pet 3:4), it is quite important that courtship be initiated bythe man. A man who fails to take initiative in courtship may also fail to takeleadership in marriage. A woman who initiates courtship may eventually subvertthe headship of her husband. Of course, these are maybes, but a failure torecognise the biblical roles of husband and wife and to resolve to observethese roles early is likely to create problems later in the relationship.

Thus, when a man is ready for courtship, he should speak to the woman of hischoice (after praying and seeking guidance on whether she be the one he shouldask). He should naturally have observed her for quite a while in socialsettings, such as in the church or at work. He should also know her Christiancharacter somewhat, before asking her out.

On the part of the woman, when a man proposes courtship, she should notimmediately accept the proposal. Remember, that courtship is a committedrelationship that should ordinarily lead to marriage. It behoves the woman,therefore, to spend sometime to think, pray and seek godly counsel about theproposal before agreeing to go out with a particular man. She should, ofcourse, consider his commitment to Christ as indicated above.

Involvement of Parents andChurch

At this point, it wouldbe most helpful for the parents to be involved. A son who honours his parentswill naturally want to let them know and approve of his courtship with hisgirlfriend. A filial daughter would do the same. It is therefore wise andprudent for a courting couple to meet each other’s parents at the earliestconvenient time. If at all possible, parental involvement should be more thanjust approval of the relationship, they should also take an advisory andperhaps accountability role. This is especially so if they are committedbelievers themselves. But what if they are unbelievers? Then any believingolder brothers or sisters may also fulfil the role. In the Songs of Solomon, wehave a very beautiful picture of the way in which the brothers of theShunnamite woman protected her until she was married off:

We have a little sister, and she hath nobreasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spokenfor? If she be a wall, we will build upon her a palace of silver: and if she bea door, we will inclose her with boards of cedar (Song 8:8–9).

What does it mean for her to be a wall? Perhaps, it means that she is one witha firm and steadfast character. That being the case, the brothers resolve toadorn her. But what does it mean for her to be a door? Perhaps, it means thatshe is one who is weak or morally lax, in which case they would protect herpurity from men who would defile her.

But what if both parents and siblings are unbelievers? In this case, I believe,the couple should seek the guidance and counsel of the pastor or elders of thechurch they worship in. This does not negate parental approval for therelationship, but it does provide for accountability for a Christ-centredrelation that can only be provided by believers.

Whether, it be parents, siblings or church, it would be most helpful for themaintenance of purity and direction in the courtship for the couple to beaccountable to someone who is interested in seeing that the relation isChrist-honouring. This person or persons should be kept aware of how therelationship is developing and should meet with the couple on a regular basisfor counselling if necessary.

Activities in Courtship

Since courtship is witha view to marriage, it is useful if the activities in courtship be more or lessdesigned to get to know one another. Going to a movie or taking a nap together,for example, would hardly help the couple to get to know one another, not tomention being occasions for temptation. On the other hand, doing somemeaningful activities together such as walking, Bible study, baby-sittingtogether, hospital visitation, tracting, baking, etc., can be very helpful tothe developing of the relationship.

Naturally, for the sake of maintaining purity in courtship, the couple mustrecognise that physical intimacy should only be reserved for marriage. Are youin courtship? Keep your courtship pure. Avoid all situations which may giverise to temptation. If you set yourselves in a room alone, for any length oftime unless it is for a brief moment or you are expecting someone soon, thenyou are courting trouble. Heed the Apostle Paul’s advice: “Let him thatthinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall” (1 Cor 10:12). And remember: “Fleefornication” (1 Cor 6:18a; cf. 2 Tim 2:22; 1 Thes 5:22). If you are ever in asituation of temptation, flee. Flee like Joseph did when Potiphar’s wife triedto seduce him.

Some physical contact such as hand-holding in courtship is generally pleasantand usually harmless. However, couples must be careful not to allow physicalcontact to degenerate into sensual lust. Indeed, if the couple, especially theman finds himself sexually aroused just by hand-holding, he should also avoiddoing so. The principle to remember is that purity involves not only thephysical act, but the heart as well.

Notice how our Lord hints at the involvement of the eyes and hands when thereis a failure to maintain purity:

But I say unto you, That whosoever lookethon a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in hisheart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee:for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and notthat thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offendthee, cut it off, and cast it from thee… (Mt 5:28–30).

Of course, the Lord is not telling us to literally pluck out our eyes or cutoff our hands. But that drastic actions are sometimes necessary to maintainpurity. In a courtship, this may involve the suspension of touching andhand-holding.

Also, a couple should not delay marriage if they find it increasingly difficultto maintain purity (1 Cor 7:9).

Conclusion

This short article ishardly enough to treat the subject of courtship exhaustively. However, I hopethat this introduction will serve as a gentle reminder to reform and conformour lives, including our courtship, to the biblical standards. Those who desireto read a bit more on maintaining purity in courtship may consult the usefulbooklet by David W. Merck, entitled MaintainingDating Purity (Truth ForEternity Ministries, 1996).

—JJ Lim