BIBLICALGUIDELINES FOR CULTIVATING FRIENDSHIP

“Aman that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend thatsticketh closer than a brother” (Prov 18:24).

The issue of genuine friendship is hardly mentioned bythe average Singaporean. Singaporeis such a fast-paced, money-minded society that few have time for genuine,long-lasting friendship save for the purpose of courtship. It looks as if mostSingaporeans are too busy to make genuine friends. However, superficial,functional friendships abound. Such friendships are maintained frequently foreconomic reasons. Those who are rich or are in positions of influencefrequently appear to have many friends, while the poor and insignificant appearto have few friends. This problem is clearly manifested during Christmas andChinese New Year when the rich and powerful usually get many hampers andpresents when they do not really need them; while the poor usually get nothing.This ugly situation appears to be a problem only in our time and society. Butthis is not the case; it is a basic problem of depraved humanity. Solomon,writing some three thousand years ago, had already noted this problem. He said:“The poor is hated even of his own neighbour: but the rich hath many friends”(Prov 14:20); and “Wealth maketh many friends; but the poor is separated fromhis neighbour” (Prov 19:4). These verses are so succinct that any attempts toexplain them would only cloud their meaning and thrust.

The average man is a selfish one and has a tendency tomake friends with the rich, because he can gain from them. But the problem is“riches are not forever” (Prov 27:24), they do “certainly make themselves wings[and] fly away” (Prov 23:5). And when they do so, so would the fair-weatherfriendship that is founded on wealth. It was for this reason that Job’s friendsabhorred him when calamity befell him (Job19:19). In the end only four of hisfriends were left, and they were not exactly very helpful to him.

Making friends with selfish motives is obviouslysinful and unchristian and ought not to be found among Christians. But howshould a child of God make and maintain friends? How do we cultivate genuinelasting friendship? Let me suggest six guidelines from the Scriptures:

Understand the Reality of the Different Levels ofFriendship

Experience teaches us that friendships may be roughlydivided into four levels. Firstly, there is the acquaintance level. This is the friendship of thosewho know each other by sight or perhaps by name, and little else more.Secondly, there is the brotherly friendship level. This is thefriendship between those who know a little bit more about each other, dooccasionally spend time with each other, and are ready to render help whencalled upon. Christian friends at this level will pray for each other when theyare aware of some problems. The third level of friendship may be known as confiding friendship. This is the friendship ofthose who are able to confide with one another, and would pray with and for oneanother regularly. Debatably, Job’s three friends,—with all their misguidedgood intentions,—may be classed in this category for the fact that they stayedwith him even when all his other friends forsook him. We say ‘debatably’because their loyalty to their theological speculations concerning the calamitythat had befallen Job appeared to have clouded out any genuine sympathy theyought to have for him. The final level may be known as devoted friendship. At this level, the friendsare inseparable (distance notwithstanding), and are willing to suffer for thesake of each other. The friendship between husband and wife should be in thislevel. But it can also be found outside marriage, such as in the case of Davidand Jonathan.

A few comments may be made based on this observation. Firstly, while it is impossible andunwise to be a brotherly friend with everyone we meet, a Christian must bewilling to be acquainted with as many people as possible, includingunbelievers. Who knows what opportunities Providencemay bring for us to witness for the Lord Jesus Christ —the “friend of publicansand sinners!” (Lk 7:34). But in our friendship with unbelievers in the world,we must always bear in mind that “friendship of the world is enmity with God”(Jas 4:4), i.e., we must never approve of the evil deeds of those in the world.We must also constantly remember the Apostle Paul’s warning: “Be not deceived:evil communications [companionship and association] corrupt good manners[morals and character]” (1 Cor 15:33). Spending much time with worldly friendsin their turf will always bear undesirable fruits. There is much wisdom inThomas Watson’s advice:

Do not incorporate into the society of thewicked, or be too much familiar with them. The wicked are God haters, and“shouldest thou join with them that hate the Lord?” (2 Chronicles 19:2). AChristian is bound, by virtue of his oath of allegiance to God in baptism, notto have intimate converse with such as are God’s sworn enemies. The bad willsooner corrupt the good, than the good will convert the bad.

Secondly,every Christian,—especially within a local church,—should strive to cultivate abrotherly, if not confiding friendship with every member in the church. If weare mere acquaintance only with members of the church, it would be quiteimpossible for us to bear one another’s burden and so fulfil the law of Christ(Gal 6:2); or to do good “especially unto them who are the household of faith”(Gal 6:10); or to love one another that all men may know we are the disciplesof Christ (Jn 13:35). I would say friendship can hardly be considered asgenuine unless it is at least brotherly.

Thirdly, if for some reason, you are unable tocultivate a close friendship with every member in the church, you must knowthat hatred cannot exist within the church. “If a man say, I love God, andhateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom hehath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?” (1 Jn 4:20).

Fourthly, while you may attempt to be a confiding ordevoted friend with everyone in the church, it is quite impossible, and so youmust not unrealistically expect everyone in the church to relate to you in thismanner, or you may be sorely disappointed.

Initiate and Maintain Friendships

“Aman that hath friends must shew himself friendly” (Prov 18:24a). This simpleinstruction, as rendered in the Authorised Version, reminds us of two factsabout making and maintaining friendship. First, it reminds us that friendshipinvolves more than one party. You cannot expect to have friends if youyourself, by your actions and words, refuse to be friendly or to sustainfriendships developed. For example, no one likes an easily angered person. Weare even counselled by the Word of God not to make friend with such a person:“Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt notgo” (Prov 22:24). Therefore, if you want to be a genuine friend to someone, wemust learn to manage your anger. Secondly, it suggests to us that everyone hasa duty to initiate and make friends. This is part of showing ourselves to befriendly. We must remember that whenever the Scripture dictates a duty for us,that the duty is to be performed as unto God, and not just unto men. The samegoes for making friends. Though some of us may be by nature very reticent andfind it hard to initiate friendships, we must nevertheless try to do so or toput ourselves in circumstances where we can be approached by others.

How do we do so? In the first place, I would suggestthat, we should attend as many of the church related meetings as possible. Ifyou find yourself lost on the Lord’s Day morning services because there are toomany people around, will you not come for the evening services and prayermeetings? Most who attend these meetings find that they have much greateropportunities to make friends. Needlessto say, we ought not to come for these appointed means of grace for the primarypurpose of fellowship. We ought rather to come to worship, pray and learn. ButI want to remind you that you are in a position to help yourself if you arefinding it hard to make friends in the church. In the secondplace, I would suggest that whenever we have opportunities for fellowship, thatwe should make use of them by walking up to others to talk to them. Husbandsand wives, couples, and those who are already in cliques must be careful not togive the impressions that they are closed to having anyone joining them intheir conversations. In fact, they ought to make an effort to include anyonestanding nearby into the conversation. Moreover, whenever possible, those whoalready have established friends ought not to spend all their time talking tothe established friends, but ought to seek out anyone who is standing orsitting alone to befriend him or her.   

How I hope to see that when I look around during lunchfellowship, that no one is left alone. This will be a mark that thecongregation is maturing.

Be Faithful, Selfless and Sincere

Oneof the most important virtues that we must cultivate in order to be a genuinefriend is to be faithful, selfless and sincere in our friendships. Practically,this mean that you must remain a friend even when the friendship has lost thetemporal values it may use to have. Jonathan was a faithful friend to Davidbecause he continued being his friend even though he knew that David would oneday take over the throne instead of him. The first and most important rule ofdeveloping genuine friendship is to not to see the friendship as being for yourown gain, but for the good of your friend. So Proverbs suggests to us that aman who has selfish desires in friendship will isolate himself: “Through[selfish] desire a man, having separated himself, seeketh and intermeddlethwith all wisdom” (Prov 18:1). Being a sincere and faithful friend also meanbeing a friend at all times, and so treating your friend like a brother orsister: “A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity”(Prov 17:17); and “there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother” (Prov18:24b). We should always aim to cultivate this kind of friendship in thechurch.

The Lord Jesus is our example par excellence. Though He beour Lord, He calls us His friends (Jn 15:15), and He laid down His life for us:“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for hisfriends” (Jn 15:13). You who belong to Christ must learn from His example, tobe faithful and sincere to your brethren in Christ. Though we may not be ableto confide with everyone in church, we must aim to love each one as Christloves us: “Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his lifefor us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren” (1 Jn 3:16).

Learn to Share Blessings & Burdens and toEmpathise or Sympathise

“Rejoicewith them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep” (Rom 12:15). This oftquoted verse not only enjoins a very important Christian duty within thecommunion of saints, but also gives us a great principle of developingfriendship. Friendship is developed through mutual care and concern. But deepfriendship is founded upon the sharing of emotional ups and downs. The oldsaying, “A blessing shared is doubled and burden shared is half,” simplyreflects what experience shows us as to the benefits of obeying this scripturalinstruction. When we share the joy of someone who is rejoicing, we increase hisjoy in the assurance that he is not selfishly happy while others are hurt orsaddened by what happened or was accomplished (cf. Ecc 4:9). When we share theburden of someone, we comfort the one who is grieving, in the knowledge thatthere are others who care and sympathise and would pray with him or her (cf.Ecc 4:10).

You may not always be able to empathise with grievingfriends as you may have never experienced the same problem yourself, but youcan learn to sympathise with them by your words and actions. “To him that isafflicted pity should be shown from his friend; [even though] he forsaketh thefear of the Almighty” (Job 6:14). Learn to say some seasonable words ofencouragement: “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures ofsilver” (Prov 25:11). Learn to do something or give something which may buildup. Sending a nice card to someone who is depressed may not take much effortbut it can mean a lot to the person and would go a long way to building yourfriendship. On the other hand, it may be a cruel thing, to joke about thecircumstance that your friend is going through, even if he may appear verystrong outwardly. Do not take your friend for granted. Be very careful with howyou treat your friend. Realise that although your intention may be right, youractions at inappropriate times will not be appreciated. Again, Proverbs is tothe point: “He that blesseth his friend with a loud voice, rising early in themorning, it shall be counted a curse to him” (Prov 27:14); and “Withdraw thyfoot from thy neighbour’s house; lest he be weary of thee, and so hate thee”(Prov 25:17).

Rememberalso that sharing of burdens and joy between friends must be mutual. It isusually the case that no one would share with us his or her burdens until wefirst share our burdens with him or her.

Be Prepared to Rebuke if Necessary

Being afriend, of course, does not mean that you must avoid all confrontations. Infact, what distinguished a genuine, faithful friend from a false friend, iswhether the friend is willing to correct your faults: “Faithful are the woundsof a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful” (Prov 27:6).

We must always be honest when speaking to one another.If our brother transgresses, then we ought to correct. We must not flatter, orwe would not only be doing our friend a great disservice, but we would sinagainst God (Ezk 3:18–19). Of course, being honest with one another does notmean that we should be rude and brash with one another. Unless dealing withsomeone who is much hardened by sin, learn to speak by way of counsel ratherthan rebuke: “Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness ofa man’s friend by hearty counsel” (Prov 27:9).

Be Always Ready to Forgive

“Ironsharpeneth iron” (Prov 27:17) is a very apt metaphor to describe thedevelopment of friendship between two parties. Not only do friends sharpen oneanother; but the sharpening process also produces sparks occasionally becausewe are imperfect, sinful creatures. But for the same reason, conflicts thatarise in friendship may separate even the chief of friends if not managedproperly. We have earlier discussed the issue of anger management. But let mehighlight one point that is crucial for the maintenance of friendship, namely,the need to be ready to forgive. Solomon is simply highlighting a fact of lifewhen he says under inspiration: “He that covereth a transgression seeketh love;but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends” (Prov 17:9).

This is a very beautiful proverb. You ought to loveyour friends, and if you love your friends, then you must be willing tooverlook and forgive any transgressions they make against you. The thing thatyou must never, never do if you treasure the friendship is to repeat yourfriends’ fault to others. If you do, you can be quite sure that it would be theend of your friendship whether or not your friend finds out.

Conclusion

Whatwe have discussed in this article is probably not new to most of us. But weneed constantly to be reminded as we often grow so comfortable with ourselvesand our current circle of friends that we neglect others whom God has broughtinto our lives; or we take for granted the friends that we already have. Let ustherefore learn to make and maintain our friends.

Butlet us also remember that if for some reasons we are forsaken by our friends,that God does not forsake us and we can always turn to Him who is a friendindeed, and a friend unchanging. Learn this of Job: “My friends scorn me: butmine eye poureth out tears unto God” (Job 16:20). Amen.    

—JJ Lim