BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES FOR TRAINING CHILDREN

“He that spareth his rod hateth his son:but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes”
(Proverbs 13:24).

The rather flustered mother was unloading her groceries at the check-outcounter. She had been queuing for at least twenty minutes, and was glad when itwas finally her turn. But suddenly, her 4-year-old son struggled free and beganrunning towards the toys department. “Come back here please!” his motherpleaded after him. The little child appeared not to notice at all. “Come hereplease, and I would buy you a lollipop!” He simply said: “No, I don’t want alollipop.” She paid for the purchases, then, carrying her groceries in severalplastic bags, walked towards the toy department where the 4-year-old was alreadytrying to tear open the box off a toy car. “I’m going to count to 3, if youdon’t come with me, I am going to walk off… one… two… three.” Nothing happened.The young mother, by now visibly irritated, lost her patience, screamed at thechild and dragged him out physically by the upper arm.

This scene is, as a whole, fictitious but, in its parts, factual. Many of us, Ibelieve, would have witnessed similar scenes, or at least parts of it. Ourhearts go out with sympathy to any young parent who has to deal with difficultchildren such as described above. Some of us may even be able to empathise withthe pain because we ourselves have difficult children, and we feel so helpless.

Children seem to be getting naughtier and more rebellious with each passing generation,and there appears to be little we can do to stem the tide? But is it really thecase that we cannot help the declension? Is it really an inevitable consequenceof modern living? Well, I believe the general declension in the discipline ofchildren has indeed a lot to do with the modern philosophies of living and ofhuman nature. But I do also firmly believe that the discipline of our childrenand teens is to a very large degree dependant on whether they were trainedcorrectly in their early years.

But how to train? I believe the answer cannot be found in the worldlyphilosophies of man. A very great number of American families, I believe, aretoday reeling in confusion and pain because of unthinkingly adopting thegodless humanistic ideas of the infamous Dr. Benjamin Spock, who for ageneration taught parents never to physically discipline their children forwhatever reason. Where then can we find guidelines for child-training? Ibelieve there is nowhere else better to look than the Word of God who createdman (and therefore children).

In this short article, we want to look at the subject of chastisement as partof discipline designed to train young children to learn submission to parentalauthority. For our purpose, we shall study Proverbs 13:24 (quoted above) byasking the vital questions of exegesis: What? Who? Why? When? How?

What?

For most of us, I believe, the words “chastise” and “punish” are almostsynonymous. Some of us have been taught that God chastises His children butpunishes His enemies, but we only have a fuzzy idea why that is the case. Thefact is that the two words are actually quite different. The word translated“chasteneth” in our text is the Hebrew word musar that refers to correction,instruction or discipline. It is never translated as “punish” in theScriptures. On the other hand, several words are translated “punish,” suchas naqam (e.g., Ex 21:20), which has the idea of takingvengeance; and anash (e.g., Ex 21:22), which has the idea ofbeing fined, or paying for what is due; or paqad (e.g., Isa10:12), which has the idea of visiting with justice. “Punishment,” in otherwords, has to do with compensation or the satisfaction of justice, whereas“chastisement” has to do with bringing an errant one back into line or to warnof punishment if the correction is not heeded. God does not punish His childrenaccording as their sins deserve because Christ was already punished on ourbehalf. He has satisfied divine justice perfectly.

Now, in the process of child-training, punishment is often needed. A childaccidentally drops his ice cream cone on the carpet. He may be rebuked for hiscarelessness, but he will still have to be punished for his fault by havinghim, say, clear up the mess as much as he can. We may say more about punishmentin another article, but punishment should only be administered after confessionof fault and forgiveness (cf. Num 14:19–23).

Proverbs 13:24 is not about punishment but about chastisement. It is not somuch about administering justice to our children as it is about training theirwills so that they learn to submit to the God-appointed authority of theirparents. This point should be borne in mind, especially since chastisement willnot only be less and less needed for properly trained children, but will becomeless and less effective for older children or teenagers, whereas punishment orthe administration of justice of one form or another may continue to benecessary and effective for discipline and instruction.

Who?

Who is primarily responsible for the children’s discipline? It is the father.Note the masculine pronouns: “He that spareth his rod hateth his son….” Are webeing too presumptuous by basing so much on a little pronoun? I don’t think so,for in the New Testament, the Apostle Paul also places the responsibility ofchild training upon the shoulders of fathers: “And, ye fathers, provoke notyour children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of theLord“ (Eph 6:5).

Paul does not say: “And ye mothers,” but very specifically addresses thefathers. He tells the fathers that the spiritual training and instruction ofthe children is their primary responsibility, not their wives’. The wordtranslated “nurture” is the Greek paideia, which refers to therearing of a child (Grk. pais), including his or her training anddiscipline.

And this is not the only verse that tells us that it is the father’s duty todiscipline. The writer of Hebrews compares God’s chastisement of His childrenwith the chastisement of children by their earthly fathers: “If ye endurechastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom thefather chasteneth not?” (Heb 12:7). Notice that it is assumed that earthlyfathers discipline their children.

Does this mean that mothers must not discipline? Of course not. The wordings ofthe Fifth Commandment indicates that mothers have authority over their childrentoo. Similarly, Solomon teaches us: “My son, keep thy father’s commandment, andforsake not the law of thy mother: Bind them continually upon thine heart, andtie them about thy neck” (Prov 6:20–21). It is clear that although the primaryresponsibility of discipline and instruction belongs to the father, the motherhas a warrant to actively contribute. This fact is especially important, asmost children will spend more time in their early years with their mothers thantheir fathers.

Why?

In the first place, discipline is a demonstration of love. This is clear in ourtext: “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth himchasteneth him betimes” (Prov 13:24). It is a demonstration of love becausethere is a great possibility that a child who is not disciplined when youngwill grow up to be an unbeliever.

How can a Calvinist believing in sovereign election make such a statement?Firstly, because we are to live according to responsibilities and principlesrevealed in the Word of God, and not according to what God has not chosen toreveal (Deut 29:29). Secondly, because experience through observing theunfolding of providence often confirms this principle that a person’s childhoodtraining influences, to a large degree, what he is as an adult. And thirdly,but most importantly, because the Scriptures tells us so:

Foolishness is bound in the heart ofa child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him (Prov 22:15).

Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod,he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soulfrom hell (Prov 23:13–14).

We must note that the child’s foolishness, referred to in Proverbs 22:15, isnot just about the child being playful or fun-loving or full of jest, as ifSolomon is teaching us to drive out any semblance of childishness orchild-likeness from our children. No, the foolishness is rather about disregardof God’s ways. A child is inherently selfish and has no regards for authorityand for God (cf. Ps 14:1; 53:1), and will naturally walk in the way that leadsto hell and damnation. This is why the rod is said to deliver the child fromhell in Proverbs 23:13–14.

The logic seems to be quite simple. If we discipline our children, painful asit may be, it will not be occasion of their death if we apply it correctly. Butif we fail to discipline them, we are letting them walk to their eternal death.What father or mother will allow a child to walk unrestrained over the edge ofa cliff? What can be worst than a father or mother who allows his or her childto walk over the edge of the lake of fire?

Let us learn to give our children what they need, not what they want. Surely,we will not allow our children to play with fire or with a knife. We know thatthese will endanger their lives. Why then, do we allow them to trifle with sin,which is far, far more dangerous for them?

Failure of parents to discipline their children is a form of child-abuse. Atone end of the spectrum, we have those who abuse their children physically byunreasonable force and beatings. On the other end, it is those who over indulgetheir children and spoil them. The biblical balance is discipline according tothe Word of God.

In the second place, moreover, an ill-disciplined or self-willed child can be asource of much frustration and heartache in the home. Again Solomon reminds us:“Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight untothy soul” (Prov 29:17).

Without discipline, you are likely to have a disorderly, unhappy family, fullof quarrels and fighting, and wickedness and rebellion against God. Let thefailure of Eli to appropriately discipline his sons Hophni and Phinehas, andGod’s subsequent punishment upon them, be a warning to us (1 Sam 2:12–25; 2:29;3:13).

When?

The word translated “betimes” (Heb. shachar) in our text means“seek early” (or originally “look for dawn”). The same word is used in Proverbs8:17, “I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me.”Apart from helping us to understand the meaning of the word “betimes,” thisverse also gives us an indication on why beginning to discipline early is veryimportant. “Those that seek me early shall find me” (Prov 8:17b). This suggeststo us that many of those who come to know the Lord in their lives, began toseek the Lord early. This observation has been shown to be true statistically,but we need no statistics to teach us, for here in the Word of God, we are toldthat it is generally the case.

Another verse in Proverbs puts it this way: “Chasten thy son while there ishope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying” (Prov 19:18). If you want tomould a lump of clay into a beautiful shape, do not wait till it is dried up,for then it would be late. Try moulding when the clay is half dried, and it islikely to crack up. Try moulding it when it is completely dried and hardened,and it would be impossible.

On the other hand, if you begin early, your child will very likely develop agodly character, which he will maintain for the rest of his life. Solomon says:“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will notdepart from it” (Prov 22:6).

How early? As early as possible. Indeed, we should begin as soon as ourchildren are cognisant of our approval or displeasure, whether by facialexpression or tone of voice. A baby of six months or so, for example, can betrained not to wriggle while his diapers are being changed. This can beachieved with a firm “stop moving!” followed by a gentle but sharp slap on thebuttocks if the baby persists to struggle. How this works, I am not exactlysure, but I believe many mothers (and fathers) will testify that it works. Butlater when the child is a little older (say as a toddler), then chastisementshould only be carried out when you can be sure that he understands yourinstructions or prohibitions and yet wilfully disobeys. Initially, it willprobably be difficult to ascertain if your child understands your instructions,but after a while, I think it will become very clear.

How long must you continue to discipline? We are instructed to chastise ourchildren early, which suggests to us that chastisement cannot and need not becarried on without ceasing. I believe J. Richard Fugate is right when he says:

Chastisement will be required oftenduring the “child” stage of development until the child becomes obedient. Thisshould normally occur between eight and twelve years of age. From then on itshould only be necessary to chastise a teenager occasionally when he tries tore-exert his own will against set standards (What the Bible Says about ChildTraining [Aletheia Publishers, 1980], 147).

How?

The rod (Heb. shebet), proposed in our text and elsewhere (Prov 22:15;23:13–14), can refer to a stick or a cane. I believe the cane is perhaps themost effective instrument for discipline. The cane, when used on the buttocks(Prov 10:13; 19:29; 26:3), is far less likely to cause injury than using thebare hands; and moreover, it serves as a symbol of authority vested by God tochastise. In this regard, it is instructive to note that the word translated“rod” is used to refer to the “sceptre” in Genesis 49:10.

I am sure that some otherwise very biblical Christians will probably cringe inhorror that I advocate the use of the cane. They will denounce the use of thecane as barbaric or uncivilised. But I make no apology, for it is not onlytime-tested but biblical. We may argue all we want that the instructions in thebook of Proverbs need not be taken as commands, but even if we take theinstructions in Proverbs to be mere guidelines, any opposition against the useof the rod, be it from the moral or cultural perspective, would be oppositionagainst the Holy Spirit who inspired the text. Use other methods if you like,but do not oppose or despise the use of the rod.

Now, we would do well to remember that the rod is recommended only forchastisement, not for punishment. Caning is often not appropriate aspunishment. An eight-year-old receives a soccer ball for his birthday. In hisexcitement, he kicks the ball in the living room resulting in a catastrophicdestruction of the chandelier as well as the glassware display showcase. Shouldhe be caned? Well, if he has been warned before not to kick a ball in theliving room, and he is repeating the offence, it could be indication of arebellious attitude and a disdain for authority, and so he may need to bechastised with the rod. But if it is the first time he is committing theoffence and he is truly penitent about it, I do not think caning is appropriateat all.

Having said this, we must realise that in reality, it is often difficult todistinguish between chastisement and punishment in child training. As such, Iwould recommend that the rod be used only when there is evidence ofdisobedience or contempt of authority. Never use the cane when it is anaccident (e.g., dropping ice cream on the carpet), or when it is due to lack ofability (e.g., unable to do sums or failing to retain Catechism in memory). Thesituation will be quite different if you had warned your child not to turn theice cream upside down and yet he does it and it drops on the carpet. In thiscase it is rebellion, and chastisement with the rod is in order. What aboutwhen the Laws of God are broken? Your child tells a lie. Should you chastise? Ibelieve so, though chastisement with the rod should be used only when you aresure that the child understands that lying is sin and rebelling against God,and yet he does it. What if a child, after doing something in disobedience orfailing to do as instructed, realises his fault and comes to you to confess hisfault and to seek your forgiveness? He forgets to bring his notebook to churchdespite reminders, but he comes to you to confess once he discovers it ismissing. Should you chastised with the rod? I think not, though an appropriatepenalty should be meted out, such as forbidding him to play with his friendsfor a duration of time.

Chastisement should also be meted out to correct sinful attitudes, such aspride, selfishness, laziness, vindictiveness and callousness. In all cases,however, it is necessary to explain as clearly as possible to the child, thereason for the chastisement, or else the chastisement will provoke the child toresentment rather than repentance.

Chastisement should also not be carried out in a fit of anger, for when you areangry, you would not only be unlikely to explain your actions clearly, but youmay end up abusing rather than disciplining your child (cf. Jas 1:20).

The aim of chastisement, we must remember, is acknowledgement of sin and awillingness to submit to parental authority. For this reason, Roy Lessin, inhis interesting booklet Spanking: Why When How? (Bethany House Publishers,1979), pp. 76–78, recommends that you must not stop spanking until you know thechild is crying in repentance and not anger. Well, in practice, it is extremelyhard to distinguish between a cry of anger and a cry of repentance. Andmoreover, children are of different disposition so that one child may begin tocry the minute he knows he is going to be chastised whereas another may appearstoic and indifferent outwardly no matter how hard and how much you cane him.

Let each parent therefore prayerfully seek wisdom from the Lord on how much andhow hard to spank a particular child, that the child not only appreciates thegravity of his faults, but demonstrates a willingness to submit to his parent’sauthority then and in future. But take heed to Paul’s caveat: “Fathers, provokenot your children to wrath” (Eph 6:4a). We may provoke our children to wrath ordeep-seated anger by: (1) striking unreasonably, e.g., chastising foraccidents; (2) being inconsistent, e.g., showing favouritism; (3) discipliningin anger; (4) allowing the child no room for repentance; and (5) being overtlystrict or fastidious.

Finally, I must emphasise that it is important at the end of a session ofdiscipline, to reiterate to your child that he has sinned against God and haveyour child confess his actions again, and to seek your forgiveness and, ifpossible, the forgiveness of the Lord in prayer.

Conclusion

Beloved, have you started disciplining your children? If you truly love them,you must begin to do so as soon as possible. “He that spareth his rod hatethhis son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes” (Prov 13:24).Discipline will not be pleasant for the child or for the parents, but if it iscarried out consistently and meaningfully, it can reap much benefit. What isapplicable of the chastisement which our Heavenly Father inflicts on us who areHis children is also applicable to our disciplining of the children God hasgiven us: “Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, butgrievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit ofrighteousness unto them which are exercised thereby” (Heb 12:11; cf. 12:5–8).

—JJ Lim